


Despair (For The Sake of My Hope)

by komaegi



Series: Between Despairful Hope & Hopeful Despair [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mastermind Komaeda Nagito, Mastermind Naegi Makoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-02 12:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11509116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komaegi/pseuds/komaegi
Summary: For a plan to succeed, you need sacrifices.





	1. To save someone, you need sacrifices

**Author's Note:**

> me: i hate mastermind aus  
> me @ me: mastermind komaegi  
> me, writing it: i fucking hate mastermind aus
> 
> anyway it turned out better than expected so here you go
> 
> btw i put the 'mastermind naegi' tag but since naegi was in the killing game, it ended up being more of a mastermind komaeda fic but i'd say it's both

"Despair" might sound what they were aiming for.

But it wasn't anything like that.

In fact, it was nothing like that.

Each one of them had a different objective.

And something about it was 'fun'.

Besides, both of them were bored.

  
It started when they were talking together.

"Do you want to do something fun?"

"Something fun?"

"A game."

"What kind of game?"

"That's not really important."

Komaeda Nagito was a bit of a strange person. What he meant with 'game' was probably not any usual game.

"You have to tell me, so I can decide whether I should participate or not."

"You won't get bored."

"How can you tell?"

"No one played it before."

"Would you tell me if I agreed?"

Naegi Makoto knew that. He knew how the older boy wasn't exactly the most stable person he met.

"Yes."

"Fine. I'm playing."

"A killing game."

"A killing game?"

"Yes."

Komaeda's smile didn't waver. In fact, he seemed more excited than usual. His breathing was growing unsteady.

"Killing is wrong."

"It's just a game. Just like how Russian roulette is."

"Telling others to kill is worse than killing yourself."

"It already began."

"What do you mean by that?"

Naegi isn't sure why he didn't leave Komaeda's side yet. But he presumes that he thinks Komaeda is fun to be around.

"Enoshima-san disappeared a few days ago, right?"

"Yeah, Ikusaba-san seems worried about it."

"I wonder what happened."

"Judging by your smile, you have something to do with it."

"You're quick to find out things, huh?"

Komaeda went too far sometimes. Or rather, most times. It seemed like he already planned his game.

"So… how does your game work?"

"Trap everyone in the school, erase their memories, force them to kill."

"That's all…?"

"There will be motives of course. If someone kills, the others have to find out. If the killer is discovered, they get executed. If they get away, everyone else gets executed."

"You're crazy."

It might have been why. Why Komaeda's personality fascinated him. Naegi was never bored with Komaeda.

"Is that a yes?"

"I'll give it a shot."

"But you might be in potential danger."

"As in?"

"I already have an execution made for each one of you."

Komaeda wasn't faithful to anyone. Too many people died, to the point that people's lives are just games to him now.

"It's fine. It's not like I would kill anyone."

"Not even to free the others?"

"You said it's a game. It has to be done."

"Can you keep an act or do you want to be brainwashed too?"

"I'll try my best to keep an act."

Naegi wasn't the best actor but he could pretend that he has nothing to do with it.

"If so, do you mind me visiting you at night?"

"Wouldn't you be discovered?"

"I'll be fine. Besides, killing at night is prohibited."

"Why are you persistent on visiting me?"

"You're a mastermind."

Komaeda might have been lonely. That might be the reason why he couldn't do it all alone.

"Is that just an excuse?"

"Maybe. I just want you to stay alive."

"I won't kill."

"That doesn't mean no one will try to kill you."

"Fine…"

Naegi thought so. Komaeda was just so lonely. He didn't seem a fan of being sociable, but he didn't have much.

"Thank you."

"It's fine."

"It doesn't mean I completly trust you though. The moment you betray me, I will make sure to kill you."

"I won't betray you."

"You can't be more loyal to an upperclassman than your own classmates."

It was for that reason why Komaeda didn't seem sociable. He might have been betrayed many times in the past.

"It's not that I'm doing that for you alone. It's for both of us."

"It's not easy to trust anyone. Besides, you're playing. That means you shouldn't trust me."

"I trust you."

"I could easily rip you apart."

"I don't care."

To Naegi, it didn't really matter. It was a game. He wasn't really good at games. He only left it all to his luck.

"Alright then."

"Am I the only one who knows?"

"Ikusaba-san knows."

"Why is that? Do you trust her more than me?"

"She agreed to play, as long as I let her see Enoshima-san after the game."

Komaeda only seemed to smile, a bit mockingly. He seemed to be thinking about something.

"So… that was what you meant?"

"Are you perhaps jealous, Naegi-kun?"

"You said it's our game. Just you and I—"

"It is our game. Ikusaba-san is just a puppet."

"Calling people your puppets isn't nice."

Naegi didn't want to be a puppet. It was their game, after all. He was a major part of it.

"You're not my puppet, if that makes you glad."

"Then, what am I?"

"A friend."

"You're not the type to have friends, Komaeda-kun."

"I know that. I just don't know what you are to me. Maybe you should wait."

Komaeda was too mysterious. It drove people insane. He could easily smile, but you wouldn't know his intentions.

"I need to hear an answer now."

"Why is that?"

"I can't trust you."

"It's okay. Trust needs time."

"You say that even though you're going to kill me."

Naegi answered dryly. Komaeda didn't trust anyone. He knew that. He knew that it'd put him in trouble.

"I never said I will. I just might."

"I just have to follow your rules, right?"

"Right."

"Fine. I'm playing along."

"Then… the game will start."

Komaeda walked away, the wind blew at his clothes. Naegi could only sigh, and smile a little.

Komaeda Nagito was an ideal person.

  
They started at night.

"Ikusaba-san looks uneasy."

"Surprised that I was able to shake her?"

"It takes some nerves to do so."

"Huh?"

"You realize that you just manipulated a soldier so easily?"

Naegi gazes at Ikusaba. The once strong soldier looked way anxious, instead of having that poker face.

"It's not difficult. She was already weak from the start."

"You see through things easily."

"That might be it. Deep inside, you seem so…"

"I seem what?"

"Sad."

Komaeda whispers. He sounded a bit unsure, but he also sounded sad. He was the saddest person.

"So do you."

"Yes but you're different. You are happy."

"Are you saying I'm so sad despite not being sad at all?"

"Something like that. You're interesting."

"I'm more interested in you."

It sounded like a cheesy line, but Naegi meant that he wanted to know all about Komaeda's messed up mind.

"Really? Then, you can ask after you answer my question."

"What question?"

"Naegi-kun, do you know how despair feels like?"

"No. I don't really feel it. Do you?"

"Sometimes. Are you in despair?"

The questions were pointless, but Komaeda loved hope. He believed in it. He hated despair, on the other hand.

"I'm never in despair."

"Then why are you still going with me?"

"I love games. And I feel like I can trust you."

"I still don't trust you."

"Oh then, I guess I'm just another puppet—"

Naegi seemed to smile a bit sadly, his expression was like a trap, a hardly noticeable trap.

"You're not! I could never betray you!"

"You still would though."

"Just not in the beginning…"

"I guess I have to be careful then—"

"You really wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

It was quick how she sneaked up to him, how she held the knife to his neck.

"Why would I lie about her?" Komaeda answered with a chilly voice, "A promise is a promise, Ikusaba-san."

"Because you're you. You're unpredictable."

"So what? Didn't she love these things?" His smile was getting more horrifying, "Didn't Enoshima-san find everything so predictable?"

She bit her lips in anger, then directed the knife again to a different direction.

"Shut up!"

"You're really asking for an execution, right?"

"Just let her go!"

"She would do the same things, so I don't know why you're acting like that. You'd follow her, whatever what happens."

"Shut up!"

The knife dug deeper into his skin.

"They're connected. If you hurt him, I'll do the same to her."

"She's my sister! He's nothing compared to her!"

"Well… she's nothing to me either, so it won't matter."

"He doesn't matter to anyone!"

"…"

Komaeda seemed silent. His expression changed a little. He looked angry.

"Monokuma… go to Enoshima Junko-san's room. It's an order."

"Fine! I'll leave him alone!" She dropped him to the floor, and walked away.

"Monokuma, turn back." He kneeled to the floor, "She's so dangerous. Don't be afraid though, I'll protect you."

"She tried to kill me."

"She did."

Komaeda traced a finger against the wound. He seemed to get too touchy.

"Stop it."

"You need medical help."

"No one is here."

"That's fine. I can do it myself."

"Why were you so angry, Komaeda-kun?"

Komaeda placed his bloodied finger on his lips, Naegi wonders if he's licking it.

"She tried to kill you."

"So? Is it really your business?"

"I did it for us. You and I. It'd be unfair if you didn't see how it goes."

"You could just pick another one. Another puppeteer."

"It has to be you. Only you."

The words rung in his head. Only you, only you, only you. It made him feel different.

"Why me?"

"Because you're so lonely."

"That's all?"

"The rest is a secret."

"You don't trust me."

"It's not that. I'm just scared of you finding out."

Komaeda took his arm, dragged him all the way to the nurse room.

He looked a bit sad.

  
Waking up with a headache wasn't really a good way to wake up.

Naegi is sure Komaeda slipped something into whatever they were having for dinner.

But at least, it was most likely better than getting his memories wiped.

It was chilling. It scared him a bit.

He walked all the way to the gym.

That was where they were supposed to meet.

He entered, only to be met with his classmates' confused gazes.

As painful it was, he was a bit excited.

He decided to "meet" everyone. He had to act like he didn't know anything about it.

When he approached Enoshima, he could almost feel Ikusaba's firm gaze on him.

He needed to be careful. She would want to kill him.

But he's sure Komaeda said he wouldn't allow it.

He's not sure. Komaeda didn't reveal too much about himself.

He did lie about himself in the past. Naegi remembers hearing him say that his parents abandoned him, but, from what the headmaster said, his parents were just killed.

Komaeda's luck killed people before, so it will be able to handle taking care of a killing game.

Sometimes, Naegi wonders if Komaeda lied about his parents to convince himself that none of it was his fault.

All sounds vanished as someone talked through the speakers.

Somewhere inside him sighed.

Here it starts.

  
Something about the whole situation sounded surreal.

It sounds like something that would happen in an apocalyptic world, but everything was fine outside.

They were just trapped in their school building.

Or so he thinks.

There was an unused building, he recalls Komaeda mentioning that.

A knock resounded from the door.

He opened it, part of him hoped it was Komaeda.

"It's night time." He mumbled, "You shouldn't wander like that."

"I have to kill you. If I don't, I will never—"

"Why me? There are other people around, you know?"

"Because I know that he'd let her go if I killed you specifically."

"The last time you tried that, he tried to kill her."

"He will let her go!"

"He's not like that."

Komaeda liked seeing people suffer, then overcome their suffering.

It might be because it was like that for him.

He suffered too much, so he wants people to suffer just like he did.

He wants them to understand how it feels like.

Despite his self-deprecation, he was a sadist.

"I don't know what he sees in you." She spit out, "And I don't know what you see in him either."

Komaeda was just unpredictable.

Maybe Komaeda is attached to him because he's kind.

Of course someone who didn't experience any form of love would love to be loved.

That might explain it.

"Go to sleep, Ikusaba-san." Naegi answered with a yawn, "There might be a motive tomorrow, so you'd have a reason to kill anyone—"

"I have no goal to kill anyone, but you."

Well… he knew that he had to be careful…

He couldn't die now.

"Even so, sleep well for now." He smiled, "We probably have a long day tomorrow."

He couldn't really tell when a murder would begin.

  
Each of them had a video tape given to them.

It was the first motive.

Each of them watched a video of what was supposedly a video of their loved ones in potential danger.

It wasn't real though. Komaeda wouldn't go that far for a game.

Or he might actually do.

He's planning to kill them, so it won't be surprising if he did more than that.

They were all visibly breaking down, even Enoshima.

It made him concerned, he wanted to know if it was real.

But there was no way he could fall in despair.

He heard Maizono scream, rushing out of the room.

He wasn't going to fall in despair.

If he did, then he'd lose himself.

But he couldn't already. He couldn't fall in despair.

He was like that.

He tried his best to calm down the panicking Maizono.

It was his job to help them not fall in despair either.

  
They agreed on switching bedrooms.

But disappointingly, Maizono was found dead in his room.

It was a rather horrifying death.

Lots of blood… he wasn't used to seeing dead bodies.

Monokuma already mentioned that the killing game started by that.

He sounded happy.

No wonder why he's happy.

Enoshima tried to attack the so-called headmaster.

Naegi didn't know how it was for them, to disobey the rules.

Until it happened.

Spears came from beneath the floor, impaling Enoshima Junko.

And Ikusaba Mukuro could only smile in shock, in surprise, in despair.

"Why… me…?"

And so, Enoshima fell to the floor. Ikusaba fell to the floor with a loud 'thud'.

It was horrifying.

There were rules for all of them, no exceptions.

No exceptions meant that Naegi should be careful.

Komaeda might get bored of him, then get rid of him.

It won't be surprising if he did it.

He was bored of everything anyway.

He could be dead tomorrow or the day after or any day.

The investigation started, so he should be looking for clues.

Just because his status was one of a mastermind, it didn't mean he actually knew anything.

  
The execution was difficult to watch, but the fact that Maizono intended to frame him for murder stuck with him.

He knew that. Maizono wasn't really innocent.

But he didn't know she'd resort to that.

But he was too kind, he was that kind of person.

He couldn't let her suffer.

But he failed.

But that was fine.

He wasn't a god.

He didn't have any superpowers.

He couldn't make it right.

Everyone was so horrified, to the point that everyone decided that it was time to go to the dorms.

Everyone, with Monokuma included.

He retreated back to his room.

He only lay on the bed, and looked up to the ceiling.

As exciting it was, it was painful.

Watching your friends get killed is painful.

He wonders if he'd get out alive.

He wonders how things would turn.

He wonders how this game would end.

He wonders who'd survive, and who wouldn't.

He wonders what the others are doing now.

He wonders, he wonders, he wonders.

"You should at least lock your door."

"I was waiting for you."

"You're literally asking to be murdered." He locked the door behind him, "And if you die, it's game over. Are you willing to die for them?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"What you'd do after the game ends."

"It's a secret."

"You keep lots of secrets from me." Naegi says, "Even though we're working together."

"Then…" Komaeda laughed, "How about I tell you a secret everytime a murder occurs?"

"That's fair."

"What do you want to know for now?"

"Let me think…"

"Is it why I betrayed Ikusaba-san?"

"No. I think I figured this one out."

"Then tell me how it is."

"It's because you knew that she'd target me."

A headshake.

"That's not the only reason. There's another reason, a more important one."

Naegi didn't know what to make out of it.

If Ikusaba died, it meant that Komaeda betrayed her.

But Komaeda promised her.

And a promise was a promise.

A promise was—

"You're cruel."

"Did you figure it out?"

"I think so."

"Let me hear it, then."

"You only promised Ikusaba-san to see Enoshima-san. You didn't even confirm that she was alive. You just killed Enoshima-san before the killing game, and your order to that Monokuma to go to her room was simply a threat, because ou didn't order it to hurt her." Naegi bit his lips, "So the only way you could fulfill the promise without any problems is to kill Ikusaba-san. You only found an opportunity to do so when she broke the rules."

There was a pause, then some clapping sounded.

"You're amazing, Naegi-kun." Komaeda smiled, "No wonder you solved today's mystery."

"Then, tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"One of your secrets."

"You have to choose one."

"It's not like I know any of them."

"Just try to think of one." Komaeda lay on the bed, "You'd remember, even if it's something from our past conversations."

The bed was a bit small for them, but it wasn't that uncomfortable.

In fact, it was more comfortable.

"Why did you choose me?"

"Because you're so lonely."

"What else?"

"Because you're someone really important to me."

"How important?"

"More than you think you are."

"Is that an appropriate answer?"

"I think it is."

"I think it's not."

"You can figure it out by yourself." Komaeda turned to the other side, "Good night."

"How long are you planning to stay here?"

"Until morning."

"For a mastermind, you're a bad one."

"I'm not a heavy sleeper, so it's okay."

"It's not okay."

A pause.

"How many secrets do you have?"

"A lot."

"Approximately?"

"A lot."

"And I can only ask you one per murder?"

"Yes."

"I want to know all of them."

"You can predict some of them, so it's no problem."

"I want to know—"

"Go to sleep."

For a monster, Komaeda had really cute-sounding yawns.

That's what he thought.

  
When he woke up the next morning, Komaeda was already gone.

He didn't leave something either.

But it was obvious. If Komaeda was still there, Naegi wouldn't wake up.

There would be no morning announcement to wake him up.

Despite the fact that everyone was in a state of shock, fear, despair, sadness, and never ending emotions, there was still a second motive.

Supposedly, it was secrets.

He's not sure though, his secret wasn't dangerous enough.

It embarrassed him, rather than made him feel like he should commit a murder.

Having bladder problems at a younger age was no secret to hide.

His classmates seemed to be in shock.

Oh… so their secrets might have something more dangerous than his.

He might be able to predict some of them, but not all.

He wonders if Komaeda gave him a silly secret because he didn't want him to do anything.

Not that he's going to kill anyone.

He wouldn't kill anyone.

He wouldn't really care if he got exposed as one of the masterminds.

Or… he might. He's not sure if Komaeda would want that.

And he was unpredictable. Naegi wouldn't be able to do anything if Komaeda did something he didn't expect.

He doesn't want to not be able to do anything.

He needed time to think about it.

  
He spent the majority of the night trying to wait for Oowada and Ishimaru to get out of the sauna.

He's not sure why he agreed to that.

But at least, he knows that Komaeda won't be coming.

Because the path wasn't clear.

Because there were still people around.

He couldn't let them know there was someone else inside the building.

Because once he gets exposed, he might get executed.

Because he was a murderer.

All murderers should get executed.

It was a rule.

Ishimaru and Oowada were getting along well.

It was no surprise, they were close.

Besides, they might have bonded in the sauna.

The highlight of the day wa the fact that Fujisaki got killed.

It was a tragic death scene.

He wished his classmates tried to have some self-control, but they couldn't help it.

They don't have any memories.

They can't remember that they were all close.

He would blame Komaeda, but partially he was responsible too.

Besides, he couldn't blame Komaeda for anything.

It just wasn't possible. He can't blame everything on him when he's been suffering for so long.

Part of him knew, Komaeda was in despair.

As much as he hated it, he drowned into it.

That's why he had to make everyone suffer.

He had to see people overcoming their pain.

It gave him purpose.

That's what he wants them to do.

He wants them to resist him.

He can't stop the killing game unless they do something about it.

At least, that's what Naegi thought.

  
The murderer was Oowada, unfortunately.

Ishimaru seemed really upset, he's in disbelief.

But in that situation, Naegi felt like they can't be surprised.

It's a game of death.

A killing game.

It was an accident, a result from overflowing emotions.

Of envy, of helplessness, of fear.

It was all possible.

He couldn't really do much.

He could try to tell them, but it's cheating.

He can't betray one for another.

But isn't that what he was doing right now?

He's betraying his friends for someone else.

But was he really a mastermind?

Was he just a pawn?

He wasn't sure about it.

But despite his extreme dislike for the killing game, he didn't want it to stop.

Part of him felt that it was right to continue.

That there was something more to it than just being a game.

There must be some point in starting the killing game.

He wonders if it was a secret.

He wonders if he would get an answer.

  
"What's your question this time?"

"What's the purpose of the killing game?"

"That's a secret."

"You said you'd answer any secret after each murder."

"Too bad, Naegi-kun! That secret is unlockable after the game ends!" Komaeda laughs, "You're still at level 2."

Naegi hesitated a bit.

"Can I ask another, then?"

"Go ahead."

"Who do you like?"

"H-Huh…?"

"If you like anyone, then tell me who they are."

"You could have chosen another question…"

"But if I risked choosing a question relating to the game, you won't answer."

"It just depends on what the question is!"

"Oh? I guess you break your promises easily."

"I don't… I just…"

He could tell Komaeda was so frustrated.

Or rather embarrassed.

Or more accurately, both.

Komaeda's lips twisted into a smile.

"Too bad, Naegi-kun! You're still on level 2, so you can't unlock my love life—"

"You just made this rule a few minutes ago, you can't apply it to everything!"

"It doesn't really matter." Komaeda threw himself on the bed, "It's too late."

"You didn't answer my question!"

"Maybe I'll give you two chances next time!"

"It's just a stupid question."

"It's just too private."

"I will tell you who I like next time."

"Why do you want to find out so badly?"

"Just so."

"Just so?"

"I don't have to have a reason."

With a pause, they both closed their eyes.

Until Naegi felt a hand interwining with his own.

"I like you."

His eyes shot open.

"Since when?"

"I can't remember."

He didn't know what else he should ask.

"I just thought you were so different from the rest, so I fell for you." Komaeda turned away, "…Please forget about it… I don't want you to remember that."

"I won't." Naegi felt his cheeks burn, "Never."

  
In the early morning, everyone found a 'parting gift'.

Fujisaki, who died a few days ago, left them an AI.

As it mentioned, its name appeared to be Alter Ego.

As expected from the Super High School Level Programmer.

Yamada seemed really attached to it.

Well… he seemed to prefer 2D characters to 3D people.

They hid it, just in case the mastermind might find out.

Naegi knew that Komaeda probably knew.

But he won't act until later on.

Until everyone had faith that Alter Ego would let them out.

Until everyone had hope on how to leave.

Until everyone had hope that Alter Ego was the key to the end of the killing game.

That was the kind of person Komaeda Nagito was.

"Sometimes it never works." He had said before, "Sometimes you're certain that everything will be alright, but then it all disappears, and things are never get better. You're not saved."

"Then, you could just think of another thing that would save you."

"What if someone cannot be saved?"

"Everyone can be saved if given some time."

"I wonder about that." He had been standing over the edge of the rooftop, "I've always dreamed of being saved by someone."

"What kind of person?"

"That's a secret."

"Why keep it a secret?"

"Because I want to be saved by the person who I like, and that's a secret too."

"But why do you feel the need to keep too many secrets?"

"Because," Eyes had began to swirl, tears had began to fall, "I don't want people to remember anything about me."

He had said the words with a smile.

"I want to be forgetten."

Now that Naegi thinks about it, it sounded like a lie.

He wanted to be remembered.

He wants to be acknowledged.

He wants to be saved.

  
The motive this time was money.

Out of all motives, this one was the most dangerous.

Everyone wants money.

It's how humans are.

He wonders who would actually kill for money.

Well… in this case, it's definitely not Togami.

After all, he's already rich.

Maybe everyone could kill for money, aside from him.

You don't really need money when you have lots of it.

Especially if you have a successful business.

No one would need a huge sum for money if they could earn another huge sum of money every month.

It isn't much compared to the money one would earn.

But he wasn't rich, so he probably doesn’t have anything to say about that.

He doesn't understand how rich people are.

There are rumors about how rich Komaeda is.

His family had a large sum of money, and he inherited it all.

People say that his house looks so out of place, but no one really saw it.

At least he doesn't think so.

He might need money for something, just not that much, so he'd never really murder anyone for money.

He would get through the game without killing anyone.

That's his goal until the very end.

  
First, they find Ishimaru dead.

Then, they find Yamada on the edge of death.

Someone was greedy enough to murder two people for the sake of money.

Also, Alter Ego was missing.

Since he's an AI, Naegi hopes that he's just missing, and not dead.

If it's even possible for AIs to die.

At this point, they might all die.

Or possibly, he might be the only one standing.

He doesn't want that.

Naegi wanted them all to make it, but there's no use to cry about it now.

Not that he ever cried about it.

He feels regret, he feels that he could have saved them, but he feels like he should go on.

Because, if he doesn't go on, he can't save the rest.

'I like you.'

'I want to be saved by the person I like.'

It was worth it.

  
The murderer was Yasuhiro.

Or Celestia, as they all had called her.

It was obvious for him, she wanted to gain money.

Greed got the best of her.

Naegi wonders if the money she gained from gambling isn't enough.

But as she wanted to live like royalty, she really wanted that much.

She killed for that much, and she's not getting it.

Because she's been found out.

Naegi could say that she died a pretty peaceful death, aside from the firefighter truck slamming onto her.

It made him feel sorry for her.

Not only she got executed, but her execution mirrored herself.

Burning at the stake was Celestia, and smashed by a firetruck was Yasuhiro.

It must have been intentional, since out of all his classmates, Komaeda knew her the most.

It wasn't like they hadn't played against each other.

They almost did it every month, so it's no surprise.

He might have seen through her lies.

He was scary.

  
"Okay… what's it this time?"

"I have two things I want to find out."

"One for each time."

"But—"

"One for each time."

"If I told you one of my secrets, would you be willing to?"

"Who knows."

"You should know."

Komaeda only sighed.

"Go ahead."

"Were they true? The rumors about you coming from a rich family?"

Komaeda was silent for a moment.

"I thought you knew that."

"Huh?"

"I thought I told you that I was."

"You are?!"

"Why do you seem so shocked?"

"Because you… you don't look like a rich person."

"This is really rude to tell people, Naegi-kun."

"It's just… surprising…"

"Even so, you could tell that I have a huge amount of money. I won lots of lotteries, after all."

"And your parents?"

"They work in business. It makes sense for them making so much money, I wish I could spend more time with them though."

The most shocking thing wasn't the fact that he was coming from a rich family, but rather the fact that he referred to his parents in present.

He talked about his parents as if they were still alive.

"What's your second question?"

"You can answer it?"

"It depends on how important it is."

"What am I to you?"

"I told you to forget about it—"

"I told you I'd never forget it. Say it again."

With a sigh, he answers, "My crush."

"Your crush?"

"M-My crush…"

It was nice to see him blushing like that.

"Your turn now." Komaeda's gaze didn't meet his, "You said you're going to tell me one of your secrets too."

Now that he thinks about it, Komaeda seemed like a rather normal person that way.

Seeing him like that made him realize that Komaeda wasn't that different.

"Do you want to know what you are to me?"

"Not really… but since this will keep it fair, then—"

"You're my boyfriend, Komaeda-kun." A pillow was thrown in his face, "I mean only if you want to."

"Stop making fun of me."

"It's genuine. I like you too."

"Stop joking with me."

"It's not a joke."

"It's not nice to play with people's emotions like that, Naegi-kun."

"I really like you."

"What do you really want?"

"I don't really want anything from you."

"It's money, isn't it? It's always money, people are only close to me because of money. When they get enough, they leave me all alone. Are you like them? You are, aren't you—"

It was difficult to do it, at first.

Kissing him properly felt difficult.

Komaeda was tensing up.

He wanted to struggle, but it would result in injuries.

At last, he began to relax more.

Relax more.

But there was still some urge to fight back.

Naegi wonders why.

"What do you really want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"Because I like you."

"You don't need to lie to me! I'm used to it!" Komaeda seemed on the edge, he seemed angry, he seemed sad, "No one wants to be with me! No one likes me, unless it's for their own benefit!"

"It's getting late, Komaeda-kun."

"You don't understand because you don't know—"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way. I shouldn't have proved it to you. Please forget about everything that happened tonight."

Komaeda was silent for a moment.

Naegi wanted to reach out to wipe his tears away, but he hesitated.

It would stress him, just like the kiss.

He didn't look like he wanted to have any physical contact right now.

He could ask about it tomorrow, but he doesn't want to hurt him.

"Please go to sleep."

They both lay down, until Komaeda sat up.

"You're not going to do anything to me, right?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know… kiss me… touch me… these things…"

"I won't."

"Thank you."

It was an odd response. 'Thank you' shouldn't be his response.

After a few minutes, Naegi felt him clinging to him.

He was already asleep, it felt peaceful.

Without touching him, Naegi also closed his eyes, hoping that things get better in the morning.

  
Komaeda left behind one thing.

A small note, one that he could easily hide in his pockets.

"I'm sorry for last night."

The words hurt him, because it wasn't his fault.

"Don't say that you're sorry…"

It was his own fault, for thinking Komaeda would simply accept that gesture.

Someone who hid lots of secrets wouldn't like physical contact.

They decided on hiding Alter Ego, who was kept hidden all the time by Celestia, away, so the mastermind wouldn't find out.

It wasn't like neither of them knew.

They both knew.

Except Naegi isn't sure if he should refer to himself as that.

He knows nothing, Komaeda is in charge of everything, but for some reason he feels like he'a an essential part of the game.

It was like that. Both of them had to work together.

Both of them couldn't do it alone. Naegi was too peaceful, Komaeda was too chaotic.

They needed each other to create a balance.

Monokuma announces that one of them is a mole for the mastermind.

Oogami Sakura.

It was kind of unexpected, considering Naegi didn't know until earlier.

Komaeda hid that from him too.

Komaeda hid lots of things from him.

But he doesn't mind anymore.

Everyone —or almost everyone— stopped trusting her.

Of course he wasn't one of them.

He couldn't betray anyone.

  
Oogami dies, unfortunately.

Neither of them are sure how the murder worked.

It was either one of the students who didn't trust her.

Namely Hagakure and Syo.

He's not sure Togami could do anything.

Asahina seemed really angry at them.

Of course she would be, Oogami was close to her.

In the killing game, out the killing game, back in school.

They were never apart.

He understands, because that's how he'd feel about it.

If a loved one was killed.

If a loved one disappeared.

If a loved one was hurting.

His chest began to hurt.

'I want to be saved.'

Naegi had to save him.

He didn't want to be too late.

  
It was suicide.

Oogami committed suicide for all of them, and now they had to try their best.

Naegi was thankful that there was no execution, until Monokuma announced that there was one.

He almost forgot about Alter Ego.

The AI was crushed to malfunction, as death wasn't really a fate for robots.

Of course Komaeda knew.

He had the cameras, he had Oogami.

He had too much clues.

He could almost feel him ask them all a question.

"What are you going to do now?"

Naegi doesn't know.

He doesn't think there's much to do.

Survive. That's all they can do.

Wait until he's bored of it.

Wait until he reveals himself.

He's not sure if he could reveal himself too. Would that end the game?

He couldn't ask him that.

When he heard the door open, his heart skipped a beat.

He was scared.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I hurt you."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does!"

It wasn't like it was like that.

It wasn't as if the more Komaeda was hurt, the more it stops mattering.

"Look let's just forget last time, okay? What do you want to ask?"

"I don't have anything…"

"Don't act like a single word will hurt me."

"You knew… about Alter Ego."

"I did."

"You had Oogami-san as a mole."

"I did."

"You should have exposed me instead of her."

"That won't be possible. Because I can't continue without you."

"Then, you tell me a secret."

"That's fine."

Komaeda frowned for one moment.

"Back when I was in middle school, I fell in love." He answers, "It was a boy, my first love, my first lover too."

Naegi felt a sting of jealousy, he squeezed the t-shirt of the other.

"What's wrong?"

"I just… I wanted to be your first."

"…"

"I'm sorry. Go on."

"You see, I loved him, but I was scared we'd get picked on. So we only met in really closed places. Like… hidden alleys… under the bushes… in the school toilets—"

The last words felt forced, choked, in pain.

"He was my first lover, so I loved spending time with him, spending money on him, I loved him."

"You don't have to continue—"

"One day, we met up with one another in one of the toilet stalls. He kissed me for the first time, and I was happy until he banged my head against the walls."

"Don't continue—"

"He told me he knew about how rich I was, that was the only reason he faked his love for me. He thought I was a creep, a disgusting eyesore, about how he hated me, he laughed at me, he licked my blood, he broke every bone in my body, and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything, because every part of my body ached, and because I loved him too much to stop him from—"

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"In the end, I had to go home like that. I didn't even want to go to school the next day. I didn't want my love to be returned anymore."

"Please."

"So it's not your fault, okay? I spent time thinking and I realized that you're different from him."

There was a pause.

"Then is it okay? For me to love you?"

"If you want to."

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"If you want to."

"Can I kiss you?"

"I'm sorry."

"Can I at least hold your hands?"

"Go ahead."

Komaeda had soft hands, they felt a bit weak to handle.

All of him felt too fragile.

He pulled one of them to his lips, and kissed it gently.

They felt nice.

"No one ever touched me like that."

"Don't worry. That's how it's going to be when it's all over."

"I wonder about that…"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

That night, they slept in each other's arms.

  
He panics when Kirigiri tells him that she got the headmaster's key.

He wonders if they'd find him.

If it would all end soon.

But it doesn't.

They don't find him.

Well… it'd only be normal if his luck was protecting him.

He must be planning something too.

A few days later, he's overcome by sickness.

A fever, he presumes.

These were always bad.

Sleeping was difficult, it was difficult to differentiate dreams from reality.

He wished Komaeda could be with him, as busy he was.

Oh— He's there.

Or he's not.

It's just a hallucination.

A dream too good to be true.

After all, Komaeda wouldn't kiss him out of the blue.

Even if he accepted the fact that they were dating, Komaeda wouldn't kiss him now.

He still feels bad for kissing him.

He still feels like he wouldn't be able to get any closer to him.

It makes him sad.

Maybe a bit jealous.

Maybe Komaeda will find someone else to save him, and maybe he'd be able to kiss them so gently.

The thought itself hurts enough.

But… maybe things could be better that way.

He would be happier.

But that was the point of it all. To save him.

It had to be him, or the deaths of his classmates would only be useless.

  
There was a body announcement.

Ikusaba Mukuro is dead.

Or as the rest don't know, she's been dead for a while.

Wouldn't it be cheating?

Because… there was no murderer.

Or rather, the murderer was the mastermind.

It makes no sense.

Unless it meant he was planning to kill them all.

All of his classmates thought Kirigiri was the murderer.

She didn't have an alibi, she seemed like the one.

He decided. To try to frame the mastermind.

He smiled, as all of his classmates voted for him.

It was going to be alright, right?

Because… Komaeda said he'd protect him.

Komaeda said—

A chain took him by his neck.

He was going to be executed.

He felt betrayed but it was fair.

He's one of the masterminds, so he can be considered as a killer.

The execution was… odd…

It didn't fit his talent.

It was more suited for Kirigiri, who didn't remember her talent.

He wonders why he wasn't put through the execution that was built for him.

He was going to die.

Of course he was, of course Komaeda was still angry at him.

Of course he'd want him dead.

Crushed to death.

Just as he closed his eyes, he was falling.

Falling down, down.

He was safe.

He wonders why it failed.

  
Kirigiri helps him to escape.

She tells him, Alter Ego saved his life, she remembered her talent, her purpose for being here.

And she tells him, the mastermind put him through that.

And they needed to uncover who that is soon.

He wonders if it's worth it.

He wonders if exposing Komaeda is just as bad as a failed execution.

It probably was.

Probably exposing him is less worse.

But it can be decided in the trial.

The last one.

So it doesn't matter.

He can decide his own fate.

  
Komaeda doesn't come to visit him for one more last time, so they can't have a proper private conversation.

Which isn't surprising, considering they're not really on good terms right now.

It sounded like a break-up, but part of it sounded like something else.

Of course, a break-up couldn't have murder in it.

It's unnecessary.

All the points in the trial lead up to her.

Enoshima Junko.

Maybe he'd appear suspicious if he exposed Komaeda, so they should agree on that.

The mastermind is Enoshima Junko.

Monokuma laughs, and denies that.

Despite that, he still reveals himself.

"You shouldn't assume it's someone you really know."

Everyone was too stunned to speak.

"Things were getting boring, so I decided to end it."

"Was it just a game to you!?"

"It was. But I have another goal you see."

"Another goal? After all of that?"

"Yes. Oh, but it's a secret, so I wouldn't tell you."

He was still beautiful, despite all that.

"Now… I'm not sure how to start…" Komaeda hums, "But… we should be ending things now."

He points at all of them.

"Here's the gist: I pinned Enoshima-san for it, who I already killed. Ikusaba-san was only a pawn, because I had to promise her to see Enoshima-san again. By the way, they're sisters. Then, I made this killing game, alone."

Alone.

Of course it was a lie. A lie for what reason? Forget about him or protect him? Naegi didn't know.

"You've been classmates for one year, but I erased these memories, I got taught to do it. You're second-years now. And since we didn't do self-introductions, I'm Komaeda Nagito, an upperclassman."

"Super High School Level Despair?"

"Ah… that's rude of you, Kirigiri-san. I really despise despair, so I wouldn't call myself Super High School Level Despair. I would call myself someone with an unworthy talent, so it's not important to mention it!"

Despite his strong hate for despair, he seemed to be drowning in it.

"Here's all what you can do. Either vote for hope or despair. I wouldn't lie to you, and tell you the whole world is destroyed or that the entire game was broadcasted and would ruin your reputation, so feel free to choose either." Komaeda continued with a smile, "If one of you choose despair, you're going to get executed, and I will be disappointed in all of you. However, if you all manage to choose hope, you're going to get out of the school safely."

"And what about you?"

"I'm going to execute myself, so none of you are going to have a problem with that, right?"

'Don't worry. That's how it's going to be when it's all over.'

'I wonder about that…'

That was it…?

That was what he meant?

For some reason, he felt reluctant to vote.

It was either his life, or their lives.

Komaeda's life, or everyone's lives.

Saving Komaeda, or saving everyone.

"You're the only one left. Hurry up."

He didn't want to vote.

He wanted to save everyone.

Save everyone.

"Go back to your place."

That's what he's supposed to do.

Vote for one.

Save both sides.

"No violence against the headmaster. Did you forget the rules?"

It was obvious. Komaeda was weak because of him.

He was weak with him, without him, with no one, with everyone.

"I can't." Naegi mouthed, "Sorry."

It was the most monstrous thing he'd ever done.

Plung a knife into his body, deep but still not deep.

He could feel his classmates' eyes on him.

Komaeda only laughed.

"So… is your answer hope?"

Naegi only nods.

He understands some, but not all.

"Then go now. Others must be worried."

For some reason, Komaeda sounded a bit disappointed in him.

  
And so, they all stand in front of the tightly closed door.

It was over. He could only save them all after a few minutes.

He pressed the button, and the door opened slowly.

There were some people around, though they hesitated.

The more reason for them to get out faster.

"Hey. Naegi-kun. Aren't you going to leave the building?"

He had no time.

She walked closer to him. The others were already out.

"I'm sorry, Kirigiri-san." He closed his eyes as he extended his arms, and pushed her away, "Just leave without me."

He then made sure to lock the doors again, as fast as possible.

It was nerving.

He made his way to the trial room.

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"Did that ruin your plan?"

"All of it."

"I just wanted to save you."

"I'm beyond saving. You should give up."

"But you said you wanted the person you like to save you."

"And after all I did to you, you still want to save me?"

"You didn't—"

"I killed your friends, I tried to kill you too—"

"Were you hurt? When you tried to execute me…"

"I did it so you could hate me."

"And do you hate yourself for it?"

"Yes."

"I only realized it by the end."

"That what?"

"You didn't want to kill me. You lied about having an execution made for me."

"I did."

"Why?"

"So you'd trust me less."

The wound was bleeding more.

"I should treat that, right?"

"I can do it myself."

"It hurt, didn't it?"

"You stabbed me. What did you expect?"

"I stabbed you so you couldn't execute yourself."

"It was part of my plan. It failed though."

"What was it?"

"You know, Naegi-kun… I've always thought you were a hero." He had a sad smile on his face, "I wanted you to be my hero, but as time passed I realized that you can't save me. So I decided I should just play the villain, so you could be the hero."

"You don't need to do that."

"It doesn't matter now, since you've ruined it. Now, you might sound more suspicious to everyone, and I wouldn't be able to make you get away with it."

"It's okay."

"Why did you come back?"

"Because I wanted to save you, even if you can't be saved."

"So you just wanted me to live?"

"Yes. Because I love you."

"I— me too."

"Can I kiss you yet?"

"Not yet."

"Not even somewhere other than the lips?"

"I guess that'd be better than nothing."

Naegi pressed his lips against the already reddened cheeks.

"This one is my first."

"Your first on-the-cheek kiss?"

"Yes."

"So I didn't have to worry about not being your first in anything, right?"

"You're my first everything. Except for my first boyfriend and you didn't claim my first kiss, but you're a lot of firsts to me."

There was a pause.

"I'm glad you're still alive."

"Me too."

"If you died, I wouldn't be able to live with that fact."

"It wouldn't be your fault."

"I would be responsible for it."

"Why is that?"

"I'm supposed to be a hero."

"You shouldn't take responsibility."

"But it was part of your plan, to make me a hero."

"Yes, but now you're probably a villain to them."

"Then, can I be your hero, Komaeda-kun?"

"You already are."

"Then did I save you?"

"Only physically."

"At least that's good enough."

"Do you regret it?"

"No."

"Despite everyone's death?"

"Despite everything."

"You truly are a hero."

They walked together to the infirmary, Naegi had no regrets.

Because in the end, you have to make sacrifices in order to save one person.


	2. To protect someone, you need sacrifices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you see Naegi-kun as?"
> 
> "A suspect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got subscriptions so i got inspired to write a continuation (and i might write another one too but i'm not sure)

Interrogations bored Komaeda.

For some reason, sitting there and discussing everything about himself didn't sound appealing.

But it's been hours, and he doubts that he's going to be able to leave.

 

"Did you have anyone helping you?"

"No."

"That doesn't sound accurate. One person can't pull it off alone."

"I have no one."

"Then what are you?"

"No one important."

"What about Oogami Sakura-san? You manipulated her, didn't you?"

"Only in-game. She didn't know anything."

"Ikusaba Mukuro-san?"

"I manipulated her into joining, then killed her in the beginning."

"Why did Ikusaba Mukuro-san join?"

"To save her sister, Enoshima Junko."

"What happened to Enoshima Junko-san?"

"I killed her."

"Why?"

"I don't like her."

  
"Komaeda-kun, you're not exactly helping us with the interrogation."

Komaeda only smiled.

"It's really bothersome for too many people to question me, Sir. I already told you that I was the culprit."

The Headmaster decided on hiding the secret from the public, since it might spark an outrage.

Komaeda wouldn't want that either.

"It couldn't have been luck alone, you see."

"Then what else?"

"The fact that everything was built, the fact that you erased others' memories. Luck can't do that alone."

"I thought you believed in my luck, Sir."

"The fact that you played favourites make it suspicious."

"What do you mean?"

"The fact that you erased memories more than others. The fact that everyone was able to memorize their talents except for Kyou— The Super High School Level Detective."

"It's okay to call her 'Kyouko', Headmaster. She's your daughter."

"Komaeda-kun, I have only one last question for you.

"Go ahead, Sir."

"Naegi Makoto-kun didn't lose any of his memories. Why is that?"

Komaeda's smile seemed more forced.

"Why are you asking?"

"I'm asking you why you didn't erase any of his memories."

"I didn't want him to forget anything."

"You could've tried to remind him of everything soon after."

"I was supposed to kill myself in the end, so no one would be able to remind him." Komaeda paused for some time, "How would you feel if the only person who cared about you forgot all about you?"

"How did you avoid dying?"

"He saved me."

"Why would he save you after killing his classmates?"

"I don't know."

"Are you sure you don't know?"

"He's that kind of person."

"Was he an accomplice?"

"He knew nothing about the killing game."

"Alright. You're dismissed for now."

"I have a question."

"Yes?"

"What will happen?"

"To you?"

"To everyone."

"I'm not sure… I'm afraid you can't stay here anymore."

"It's fine. It's my third year."

"A suspension is too simple for your case."

"It's fine, Sir. Just tell me that you're expelling me."

"I don't want to expel you, because you're one of the rarest talented students to find. It's not everyday you find someone who has powerful good luck."

"I've always thought you were a bit messed up, Sir."

"In what way?"

"Not wanting to expel a murderer, allowing a serial killer to be a student here… it makes you seem like a bad person."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Covering up the incident makes you seem worse, but I'm grateful for that."

"You're not going to do it again, are you?"

"My plan can't succeed, because Naegi-kun will keep ruining it."

"So despite everything, your plan wasn't a success?"

"It depends. What do you see Naegi-kun as?"

"A suspect."

"You're not supposed to see him as a suspect, but as a hero for defeating me. But since I'm still alive, he didn't really defeat me, so it's a failed plan."

"Maybe if you erased his memories, he would have killed you."

"He wouldn't have done that. But either way, he's going to forget me, and I don't want that."

"Why not?"

"He means the world to me."

Komaeda quietly shut the door.

  
He wasn't sure which would be better.

For Naegi to forget his existence, or for Naegi to remember but resent him.

Maybe it would be better for him to forget.

Because it would bring him so much pain.

Maybe that was how it should have been.

Or maybe Naegi should've died back then.

But all of it would be pointless.

And death shouldn't be pointless.

  
"He's still in there!"

"It's getting really late. All the students go home by now."

"But I need to see him!"

"You can do that tomorrow—"

He stepped into the room.

"Did they hurt you?"

"Oh… they didn't do much." Komaeda answered, "Just an interrogation."

"What are they going to do?"

"It's still undecided."

He looked at the two pair of eyes glaring at him.

Of course they'd be angry at a killer.

"But you're going to be fine, right?"

"Go home, Naegi-kun."

"Huh? But I have so much to ask—"

Komaeda couldn't do anything as Naegi's parents glared at him.

Of course they'd act like that, towards a killer.

"Tomorrow."

He was innocent.

But despite that, everyone still suspected him.

They were wrong.

Despite everything, Naegi didn't know anything.

He had no control of everything.

He tried his best to save everyone, but couldn't.

It was just a charade to Komaeda.

The hero and the villain.

The protagonist and the antagonist.

A hero is different from an antagonist, and a villain is different from a protagonist.

If only Naegi didn't save him.

If only Naegi let him die.

He had nothing to lose.

Not even his life.

He only has two years left.

He could die tomorrow.

He could die today.

"Please stay safe." The embrace didn't feel warm, it felt cold and awkward, the words were whispered to his ear softly, "I love you."

He didn't want to say anything.

Not even a mocking "You stood on your tiptoes to say that?"

He didn't want to let go, but he had to.

He had to find a way for everyone to stop suspecting him.

In the first place, they might be suspecting him because they're close.

And no one wanted to save Komaeda other than Naegi.

He was a bit of a fool.

A good-natured fool.

One who doesn't deserve being blamed for the murder of some teenagers.

If there was someone to blame for this mess, it'd be himself.

What would he do? He couldn't help but wonder.

"What would Morikawa-kun do?"

  
Komaeda loved the rooftop.

It was dangerous.

He loved walking around the edges.

One slip could kill him.

And he found comfort in that.

But since he's really lucky, a fall can't kill him.

It was his little game.

His phone began to ring.

"I'm on the rooftop."

"I'll see you there."

He was glad he found a way.

It might be upsetting but it would be safer.

Safer than nothing.

  
"Were you really telling the truth yesterday?"

"Yes."

"You're going to be safe, won't you?"

"I don't know for yet."

"They told you, didn't they? You seem upset."

"You should've thought twice before saving me."

"I'm sorry."

"But that's fine. I found a way to remove you out of suspect."

He didn't like it.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"It doesn't seem fair for you to take all the blame."

"And what did you do?"

"I never told everyone that I was the mastermind. I let them die."

"You're not to blame."

He didn't want to say it.

"If you think so, then think what you want."

His smile was so natural, so beautiful.

But he knows he won't see it in a few minutes.

"Let's end this, Naegi-kun."

"End what?"

"Our relationship."

"You're funny."

"I'm serious."

There was a pause.

"I don't want to."

"It's pointless."

"I said I don't want to."

"It's not worth it, Naegi-kun."

It's not worth his future.

Not worth his safety.

It wasn't like he wanted to do it either.

"Why not?!"

"I'm going to die—"

"You're lying!"

"I have two years left—"

"I know you don't want to leave me either!"

"I just want to protect you! They're suspecting you because of me!"

"I don't care!"

"It's fine, Naegi-kun. Really, we can get back together when things are calmer Just stay away from me for now—"

"I don't want to! They could kill you and I don't— I don't want you to die!"

It was so hazy.

"Just let me protect—"

It was so calm.

So calm.

Too quiet.

"Komaeda-kun!"

The words were repeated, but each time, they sounded more quiet.

He finally messed up.

He was falling, but for some reason he wasn't scared.

He thought about it over and over again.

He did this to protect him.

He's right. Their relationship shouldn't continue right now, maybe later, maybe when everyone forgets.

It was worth it. Favoring Naegi's safety over their relationship.

He hits the ground.

He might have some regrets, like not confessing earlier.


	3. To heal someone, you need sacrifices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morikawa Toshio was everything someone could ever wish to be.
> 
> And he knew that, but he was still not satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was certain this would be the last one but guess i extended it to 4 chapters (maybe more i'm liking this verse more than i expected)
> 
> anyway here's the Mysterious Dude's part of the fic. wonder who that is.......
> 
> (this chapter is pretty.... dark which is why i changed it to M rating & warning it's kinda has homophobic themes so be wary of that)

was a brilliant man.

That was the meaning in his name in the first place.

Toshio.

Morikawa Toshio.

He could work out everything, the whole class loved him— No, he bets the whole school did.

He was just that great.

Of course he couldn't force that idea though.

Because he didn't want them to know, he didn't want anyone to know that he loved the feeling of being superior.

He wants to be at the top, because no one deserves it more than him.

NO ONE DESERVES IT BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S WORTH IT.

But Morikawa Toshio is a good person.

He liked everyone, got along with anyone.

DESPITE THAT, NONE OF THEM WERE GOOD ENOUGH. HE HATED THEM ALL.

Morikawa Toshio was everything someone could ever wish to be.

And he knew that, but he was still not satisfied.

  
The students were leaving, each of them waved a hand to him.

"Goodbye, Morikawa-kun!"

"See you tomorrow, Morikawa!"

"Don't push yourself too hard!"

He smiled at them, replying with a 'Goodbye' to each one of them.

HE WISHED HE CAN BE SOMEWHERE ELSE, HE FUCKING HATED EACH ONE OF THEM.

When the school was empty, he'd wander around sometimes.

WHEN CAN HIS DREAM SCHOOL ACCEPT HIM?

Morikawa always had a dream to get into it.

HE WAS TALENTED, WASN'T HE? HE'S TECHNICALLY PERFECT.

So… why didn't Hope's Peak Academy accept him?

He wondered.

THIS SCHOOL IS UGLY AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE LIKE HIM.

HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HOPE'S PEAK TO SEEK HIM OUT, TO GET HIM, TO FEEL PROUD THAT THEY HAD SOMEONE LIKE HIM.

WHY CAN'T THEY UNDERSTAND? WHY CAN'T THEY UNDERSTAND? WHY CAN'T THEY—

"You're Morikawa-kun, aren't you? Morikawa Toshio-kun?"

He turned to find someone —possibly younger than him— smiling at him.

"Yes. May I help you with anything?"

"No. I just wanted to meet you."

"You don't look familiar. Could it be that you know me from somewhere else?"

"I heard about you. I heard you were great."

OF COURSE HE WAS. WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

HE WAS THE GREATEST.

"It's just what everyone else says."

The boy extended a hand, "Nice to meet you, Morikawa-kun."

Their hands met.

"My name is Naegi Makoto."

  
That so-called Naegi Makoto only visited after the school was empty.

"I'm from Hope's Peak Academy."

Morikawa wondered how someone so normal got into his dream school.

SOMEONE AS PATHETIC AND USELESS AS HIM GOT IN THAT SCHOOL, BUT NOT HIM.

"I was actually aiming to study there…" Morikawa answered with an awkward smile, "I couldn't get into it though…"

"If you want, I could try to help you through recommendations."

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

"I would really like that!"

"You can count on me, Morikawa-kun— Can I call you that? I'm one year younger, so you might prefer 'senpai'…"

HE WOULD PREFER ONES MUCH HIGHER. HE WAS TOO AMAZING AFTERALL.

"I don't mind either."

"Then, nice to meet you, Morikawa-kun!"

"Yes… nice to meet you, Naegi-kun."

  
For some reason, he found himself looking forward to seeing the boy everyday.

HE HATED HIM, BUT IF THERE HAD TO BE ONE WAY HOPE'S PEAK ACADEMY CAN REALIZE THAT THEY DESERVE HIM, HE WOULD NEED A HOPE'S PEAK STUDENT HELP.

"It went through! I'm expecting a response within next week. Can you wait that long?"

THEY'RE TOO SLOW FOR A DAMN PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOL.

"That's kind of long…"

"But it's going to be worth it! I bet they're going to accept you!"

IT'S NOT JUST A BET. THEY'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO ACCEPT HIM. THEY CAN'T REJECT HIM.

"I hope so too…"

"Morikawa-kun, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Where—Where did that come from?"

"You look like the kind of person who'd have one."

OF COURSE HE WOULD

"I see…" He scratched the back of his head, "I do have one."

BUT HE HATES THAT SHE THINKS THAT SHE FITS HIM. SHE'S NOT SUPERIOR FOR DATING HIM.

IN FACT SHE'S JUST LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS WHO SWOON OVER HIM.

"You're lucky… I don't have one…"

DID HE REALLY THINK A GIRL WOULD LOVE HIM?

"You might get one in the future, so don't worry about that."

"I do have someone I like already, so I hope things will turn out fine."

  
One week passed.

Of course, Naegi still came by for no reason other than 'I'm just checking on you', but nothing happened last week.

For the first time, he arrived with a large bag.

"Sorry to be late."

"That's a rather big bag…"

"We have all we need here! So don't worry."

JUST HURRY UP, JUST HURRY UP.

"We need to find a secret place to do everything else."

"Why is that…?"

NO ONE IS IN THE SCHOOL, IDIOT!

"You wouldn't want anyone else to get into Hope's Peak, would you?"

OF COURSE NOT. JUST HIM. ONLY HIM.

"That makes sense…"

"Besides, I want you to show me."

"Show you what?"

ANSWER ME.

"How do you feel about a toilet stall?"

  
They both stood in front of the toilet.

"Why here?"

IT'S TOO ANNOYING. TOO STINKY. HE HATED THEM.

"Just enter."

They both entered.

"Hey, Naegi-kun… What are you locking the door for?"

"For no interruption."

"I don't mind either—"

"I do mind though."

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. OPEN THE DOOR.

Naegi looked through his bag.

"Which are better, tapes or ropes?"

HUH?

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT?

"I don't understand…"

"Which do you prefer?"

"I have no preference—"

A kick was delivered to his guts.

"I asked a question, Morikawa-kun. Which do you prefer, tapes or ropes?"

"Tapes…"

"Me too… they don't take much time to do."

WHAT THE FUCK DID HE MEAN?

"I don't understand."

"Show me." Naegi taped his hands, then his legs, "Show me your true self."

There was something crazy about him.

Morikawa knew.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not you, Morikawa-kun."

"Huh?"

"You're not perfect, Morikawa-kun."

HUH?

"In fact, you're useless. You're ugly inside. You're not who you pretend to be."

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?"

"Yes." A smile crept on Naegi's face, "Show me that side of you. I don't want you to fake anything."

"YOU SAID YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME INTO HOPE'S PEAK—"

"I was just trying to get on your good side."

"FOR WHAT REASON? WERE YOU ENVIOUS THAT I WASN'T IN YOUR LIFE?"

"Yes, Morikawa-kun. I like you." He laughed a little, "Just kidding. I told you I like someone else, didn't I?"

"STOP JOKING AROUND!"

A knife plunged into his thigh.

"Morikawa-kun… you really like it, right?" His voice sounded sad, his hand let the knife go, leaving it stuck in Morikawa's skin, "Pretending you're the best, pretending you're a good person, pretending you're the victim—"

"IF YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME, THEN JUST DO IT."

The words left Naegi frozen for a moment.

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST KILL ME! YOU'RE GOING TO BE BLAMED FOR MURDER! YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR IT! IF YOU WANT THAT SO MUCH, THEN DO IT!"

"Kill… you…?" Something in his voice felt blank of emotions, "You think after everything you've done, I'd kill you?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"  
  
"Killing is wrong, Morikawa-kun!" His voice changed into a nicer cheerful tone, "That's why… I can't kill you! It's not that much of a punishment!"

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN PUNISHING ME FOR?"

"All of that doesn't remind you of anything?" He took out a hammer from the bag, "Or do you need more reminders?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

The hammer hit the knife's handle, the knife went deeper.

Morikawa screamed.

"JUST STOP IT!"

"Do I need to kiss you to remind you?"

"I DON'T WANT YOUR FILTHY LIPS TO TOUCH MINE."

"Me neither. Maybe I'll just tell you."

A few drops of acid burned his skin.

"I have a lover. One that knew you back then."

The knife was pulled out from his thigh, only to be plunged into his other thigh.

"That lover liked you. You both had a relationship together, then one day you kissed my lover and then proceeded to kill a part within them."

An electric shock went through his body.

"Now, I'm deeply in love with that lover. But we can't kiss each other, because it reminds them of you."

Hands pressed against his neck, almost strangling him to death.

"So I tried to find you and hurt you. So my lover can heal again."

"I DON'T KNOW YOUR LOVER!"

"Maybe a name would ring the bell? Komaeda Nagito-kun?"

"THAT CREEP? YOU'RE BELIEVING WHAT THAT CREEP TOLD YOU? YOU'RE DATING—"

Another knife went through his skin.

"I know we broke up temporarily, but don't say anything like that about him."

"HE WAS DISGUSTING!"

"Then why did you date him, Morikawa-kun?"

"IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT—"

A lighter burned his fingers.

"Komaeda-kun isn't your lab rat."

"KOMAEDA WAS PERFECT FOR THE ROLE OF A LAB RAT! HE'S SUBMISSIVE, STUPID, HATED, SELF-LOATHING, RICH! OF COURSE I HAD TO CHOOSE THAT FUCKER!"

"Huh…" Naegi twisted Morikawa's arm, "What was that experiment for?"

"TO SEE HOW WOULD I FEEL IF I DATED A BOY!"

"How did you feel?"

"I DON'T LIKE BOYS! I'M ATTRACTED TO GIRLS ONLY."

"And you had to emphasise that by breaking Komaeda-kun's body instead of telling him that you weren't interested?"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE'S ANNOYING!"

"He's kind." He smiled sadly, "I think he wouldn't like it if he knew I'm doing this to you."

"THEN STOP DOING IT AND LET ME GO!"

"I'll continue." He smiled, his eyes had something to them, he was mad, mad with love, "Until you break, until you stop talking back to me, until you feel what he felt!"

Love was really sickening.

  
"I'm done for now! Oh! And here are you papers regarding Hope's Peak!"

His bloodied burned fingers touched the paper on the floor.

'YOU WILL NEVER BE PERFECT, MORIKAWA TOSHIO-KUN'

The words were written like a threat, like a warning.

Naegi leaned to his body on the floor, then grabbed him by the tie.

"Oh! And don't tell anyone about that! Unless you want me to out you for torturing Komaeda-kun back in middle school."

He couldn't do anything.

He was finally broken.

He wasn't brilliant.

He wasn't perfect.

He rememebred that time it happened.

"If you tell anyone what happened, I'm going to tell the entire school about our relationship. You wouldn't like a school consisting of majorly boys to know that you're attracted to boys, would you?"

He was an idiot for thinking that he could easily not suffer for it.

"Goodbye, Morikawa-kun."

"Don't ever come close to me, Komaeda."

"I hope you take what I said seriously."

The sound of the toilet stall's door unlocking was too vivid.

Morikawa Toshio wasn't a brilliant man.

After all, he had many regrets in his life.

The most important one was meeting Komaeda Nagito.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have to express something which would've been kinda spoilery to mention in the beginnings.
> 
> i'm stuck on mobile so i don't like extra editing like bolded text or italics, but i had to find a way to separate morikawa's real thoughts from his fake personality. i used the caps because morikawa is the kind of person who thinks he's above others, and thinks he's perfect, so i thought writing his real self in caps suited the fic.
> 
> also toshio means 'brilliant man', just for your info
> 
> next episode: the two (messed up) lovebirds meet again. will it be a nice reunion or a bad one? or did you all think komaeda died in the last chapter? anyway find out next chapter, which might have a long delay


	4. To love someone, you need sacrifices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wish it had gone differently."
> 
> "Me too."
> 
> "I wish I could've told you that I loved you the moment I fell for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took a long time because i couldn't write for some time? but i like how this chapter turned out
> 
> @ people who thought komaeda died in ch2: i am sorry for disappointing you
> 
> also this is more lighthearted than the last few chapters because i wanted a happy end at this point

Hospitals were too quiet.

Just perfect for him, he liked how quiet it was.

No one could bother him either, aside from the pain.

Komaeda regrets slipping up and falling.

He's not used to physical pain.

 

When was the last time he felt physical pain? When their airplane crashed—

Probably that. He still has some emotional damage regarding it.

He despises airplanes.

He regrets getting on one.

Perhaps if he didn't pressure his parents to spend time together, they would be still here.

Or maybe not.

Either way, they'd die later, so it's okay.

It's not fun, to have your parents die at a young age.

To be bullied for the reason your parents weren't around.

To be told they hate you, that's why they died.

What kind of parents would rather die than spend time with their only child?

Technically his.

But he wasn't sure, whether his parents truly loved him or not.

His memory is already getting worse.

"Komaeda-san." The nurse calls to him, "There's a visitor."

"Tell them I'm not accepting any at the moment."

He couldn't deal with visitors right now.

But he technically doesn't want them around any time.

He doesn't like it when people care too much for him, or pretend to care too much for him.

What's the point?

What's the point of caring too much for someone who's doomed to die?

What's the point of pretending you care for someone you hate?

"You're doing well."

"How did you get in?"

A small laugh, and a finger pointed at his lips.

"It's a secret."

"Get out."

"That's not a proper reaction, Komaeda-kun."

"Get out."

"Someone who is at the hospital should be happy that his lover is visiting!"

"I don't have a lover though."

"You did have one last time I heard."

"Yes. We broke up."

"Why?"

"He's just too good for me. He's cute, kind, nice, popular, smart, stupid—"

"You shouldn't say things like these about your boyfriend!"

"My ex boyfriend."

"It doesn't matter. You should improve the way you speak about people."

"You're irritating."

"The way you speak to people counts too."

"You should've said so."

"Unfortunately, my job isn't to teach you manners."

"Oh really? I thought it was."

"If so, then you should be ready to pay me money, right?"

"Of course—"

"Let's end this charade."

The tone was a lot more serious than before.

"…"

"It's been a long time, Komaeda-kun."

"I could say the same to you, Naegi-kun."

 

"Why didn't you ignore me?"

"You seemed to have fun, doing it."

"It seems like a comedic scenario. I started doing it ever since I ended here. I'm surprised you kept up with it."

"I'm used to it. Besides, I waited for you to get bored, but you didn't."

"It sounded like a fun scenario. A rude person breaking up with his lover, then finding someone just like his lover, while slowly falling in love with them."

"So, did you find that new someone?"

"I don't plan to."

"That ex boyfriend is glad."

Naegi seemed to blush after saying that.

"It's dangerous for you to stay here."

"It's okay. I'm clear of all suspicion."

"I don't want you to get suspected again.."

"It's okay. I'd rather be a suspect than spend more time without you."

"But I promised myself that I'm going to protect you."

"And I promised myself that I'm going to save you."

"You did your part—"

"I promised myself that I'm going to heal you."

"You can't."

"Yes. I can't do it now, but I can heal you slowly."

"You're wasting your time."

Komaeda thought things like these didn't matter.

It's not like anyone knew though.

The doctor said that he might live to twenty at most.

"I just want you to be happy."

"I don't think I was born to be happy."

"I don't think you could judge yourself like that."

"If I was born to be happy, I wouldn't have to suffer."

"I won't make you suffer anymore."

"You can't do that when you're suffering too."

"What do you mean?"

"You blame yourself, don't you? For their deaths."

"…"

Naegi only looked to the ground.

"You don't need to blame yourself. Just me."

"As if I didn't do anything?"

"Exactly."

"But it's not like I'm not guilty."

"Were you able to do anything to save everyone?"

"I don't know."

"You weren't—"

"Maybe if I exposed you, I would be able to save everyone. But I couldn't betray you."

"That's why you couldn't do anything."

"It was unfair to make me choose between your life and theirs."

"I just wanted to see you succeed."

"It was just like telling me I have to either kill my friends or kill you."

"You were supposed to kill me. I'm the antagonist, of course."

"The antagonist and the protagonist never fall in love."

"I guess so."

"I wish it had gone differently."

"Me too."

"I wish I could've told you that I loved you the moment I fell for you."

"When was that?"

"I don't know. I just did."

"I fell for you at some point when your smiles became too bright."

Komaeda thought they had always been so bright.

"Is-Is that so?

"Where did you get that?"

"Huh?"

"That cut."

"It's a secret~!"

"Why are you hiding it?"

"Because, you will get upset, Komaeda-kun. Maybe you'll be angry. But don't worry, I gave myself that cut. I can't say anything more."

"How bad is it?"

"Really bad."

"What did you exactly do?"

"I can't tell you."

He seemed to dodge the answer.

 

After some time of begging, Komaeda gives up.

"I promise I won't be upset. Just say it."

"Do you really promise?"

"How important is it?"

"Really important."

"I promise. I promise I won't be mad at you or tell anyone."

Naegi's eyes refused to meet his eyes.

"You know when you told me about him, right? I found him on purpose."

"Who?"

"You-You know exactly who!"

"Don't be vague, Naegi-kun."

Naegi mumbled something.

"Just say it out loud."

"Morikawa Toshio-kun."

And then it was silent.

"…"

"You're mad, aren't you?"

"And you're crazy."

"You promised to not get angry!"

"You don't understand, Naegi-kun. You can't do that. You can't make any contact with Morikawa-kun—"

"I already did."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! He's going to ruin you! He's going to hurt you! Please don't talk to him, please stay away from him, please please please please please please—"

It was scary how just one name ruined his life.

How just one person was able to break him like that.

It made Komaeda feel weak but he couldn't stop.

He couldn't stop choking, he couldn't stop crying.

He felt hands grab his softly.

"It's okay. He couldn't do much."

"But he— he's going to hurt you, and it'll be because of me."

"Morikawa-kun wanted to go to Hope's Peak."

"He's not there right now, is he? Is he? Is he there? He can't be there, right?"

"He's not there. He just wanted to get into it, and I used that as a way to get closer to him."

"You shouldn't take risks when it comes to him. Please don't try that again, please promise me."

"I promise. Morikawa-kun was good at lots of things, but he wasn't exceptionally good at one thing, so I knew he'd never get into Hope's Peak. But I said that I'll try to get him in through recommendations. He believed that."

"I still can't believe you did that! You really— really love risks!"

"The day his 'recommendation' came through, I did the same he did for you— No, it wasn't the same, it was worse. I locked him in a toilet stall too, but I'm sure he felt more pain than you, so it's okay. I'm sure his body still has some marks."

"What if he gets back? What if he tries to hurt you? Did you think about the consequences?"

"That's fine! I threatened him by revealing what he did to you the moment he reveals what I did to him."

"But you don't have any proof he's the one who did that to me—"

"The way you are right now proves it. Don't worry, I recorded our conversation too!"

"Huh?"

"It makes me sick to know how he only saw your relationship as an experiment."

"Can you promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Please don't ever drop the honorifics."

"What do you mean?"

"Morikawa-kun had always called me 'Komaeda-kun', but once he kissed me, he switched to 'Komaeda'. And I didn't like it, it sounded different, so I always want you to call me 'Komaeda-kun', even if—"

"I'm never going to drop them, don't worry."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me. It's nothing."

"You still didn't explain the scar."

"Oh. I did it to blame Morikawa-kun, so it's no big deal. It's getting better."

"I see…"

Komaeda felt a bit more calm.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"I might not be able to do much in this state, but… that's okay."

"Smile for me."

"Why?"

"I like it when you smile."

He forced a smile.

"Or you know what? Don't do it. I don't like forced smiles."

"Maybe if you said something funny, I'd smile."

"But I don't know any good jokes."

"You could say anything."

"Can I tickle you?"

"No."

"But I want to see you smile."

"Maybe I'd smile if you did something that would make me smile."

"Then… what kind of tea would you like, Your Majesty?"

"I prefer milk."

"Certainly. Though I worry sometimes that the more milk you, Your Majesty, drink, the whiter your hair is going to get."

It was so ridiculous, but the more ridiculous part is that he actually laughed at it.

Laughed really loudly.

Couldn't stop laughing.

"Milk doesn't affect hair color. Where did you even come up with that?"

"I got more than what I wanted, at least."

"You just wanted to make me smile."

"Your laugh was equally beautiful."

"It's pretty ugly."

"No. I think it's really cute, the way you laugh."

"And I like the way you smile. I'm glad you always smile to me."

He felt his cheeks heating up.

"I smile to everyone so it's no big deal—"

Komaeda pulled him closer.

Part of him wanted to do it.

It felt different from the first time.

It felt different from the second time.

It was… more enjoyable.

"Thank you for being a great boyfriend."

"You didn't have to kiss me."

"I wanted to kiss you."

"Then—"

Komaeda moved his head, just as Naegi moved closer for another kiss.

"I just found the courage to do it. You can't kiss me right now."

"Oh. But I can kiss you anywhere on your face aside from your lips, so it's not like I'm envious."

"You definitely are."

He felt a hand grabbing his.

"After some time, are you willing to make another killing game?"

"I'm not going to make you go through another one. Besides, I thought you'd get bad memories from the first one."

"It was a bit fun. Like a tv drama."

"I'm not planning for any at the moment."

"Maybe next time we should go together."

"I said I'm not planning anything."

"Just think about it. For some time in the future."

"You know, if you don't kill me, there's no point for a killing game."

"And?"

"I don't want to regret it."

"Don't worry. I'm sure next time will be safer. I have an idea."

To Komaeda, it seemed that things have changed.

"Nothing is safe about a killing game."

Maybe things had always been this way, maybe it feels like both of them sacrificed something to fall in love.

He's not sure, whether that's a good thing or not.

He's not sure whether that's something to regret, or something to not regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might sound like an incomplete ending but i have a sequel (written in a seperate fic) planned so don't worry about the "vague ending"


End file.
